A shock and performing

I cannot believe how quickly the weeks are whizzing on by, everything seems so busy, but mind you a trip to the shop wears me out so please don’t take my word for it. I have been putting a lot of energy into my revision this week. I have created sound bites of me reading my revision aloud, which is really helping. It’s very odd because I sound extremely posh when I’ve been recorded. I think that’s why I haven’t been driven crazy by the sound of my own voice – because it doesn’t sound like me at all.

This week I hit over 750 subscribers on my YouTube channel, which I am completely in shock about. I have had so many meaningful conversations with people through the comments section. I genuinely think that this is going to be a fabulous thing for my mental health. It isn’t a fix to feeling a little lonely, but it is definitely a start.

The thing I don’t think many people realise about having a long term health condition is the amount of phone calls that you receive in a week. I am in a very fortunate position to have a secretary (aka mum) who deals with most of them, but at the minute we are getting at least two a day, and they involve lengthy conversations. The things we are organising are hugely important and needed, and will be fabulous when they come into fruition – but I’d like that time to be now. We are constantly waiting for the time when things slow down, that ‘in a few weeks we will be sorted out’ has extended to over two years. Although, hopefully sooner rather than later I WILL be sorted out.

I performed a slot at verbalise in Kendal on Saturday. I really enjoyed the experience and it made me remember how much I love sharing my work. I was really struggling with the heat that night. I’m actually very proud that I didn’t faint mid performance or while in the audience. It’s very strange. My body can be bouncing hot but my extremities go very cold, I go dizzy and say stuff I wouldn’t normally say. However, I managed to hold it together for the reading. I shared some poems and experiences that I never have before. Mum and I felt quite emotional afterwards, which I think is fair enough as they contained some fairly raw memories.

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The palliative care nurse who came to see me last week was a genuinely lovely lady. She was really good at thinking about services I may need, and really seems like an amazing source of support.

I have been in Kendal today giving out free poetry postcards. Eight young poets, including myself, had their poems published onto cards which were then handed out to the public. These cards had a poem and details of the poetry festival on them. We had mixed reactions. People were either delighted to be given a poem, said ‘no’ in your face, or blanked you completely. It was tricky, and I have to say I hated the first half an hour, but after that I actually really enjoyed it. I felt like a poetry missionary sent to Kendal!

I have been reading loads (as ever) this week. I have read Bear by Chrissy Williams which was stunning; Everything Everything by Nicola Yoon which was very memorable and Apple and Rain by Sarah Crossan which was very moving. I will be giving more in depth (much more in depth!) reviews of these books in the near future on my YouTube channel.

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