The level of support from my last blog post was very unexpected. I was stunned. So many people read the post – and some have been in contact with similar conditions and experiences. I have joined some closed Facebook groups as well – and feel very connected to others now. You wouldn’t believe the amount of courage it took to press that little “post” button for that post. I was really worried what people’s reactions would be. I thought people would ignore it on their feed!

The reaction was one of warm kindness and I can’t thank friends or strangers enough. We are a very reserved family, and usually hate other people knowing our business so I was worried what my family would think about me telling all on such an open forum. My dad came home smiling that day, and said he was proud of me. It’s given me increased confidence, that’s for sure. I don’t worry about answering the door to the postman anymore, he’s got used to the tube I think. He did look quite shocked the first couple of times though, I have to admit. Ha!

On another topic, I recently got glasses. I haven’t stopped reading since! One in particular, that I read a few weeks ago is lingering in my head. I wouldn’t say it was my favourite collection of poetry, but I enjoyed it and it’s just stuck there. The collection is titled ‘the princess saves herself in this one’ by amanda lovelace (all lower case, as throughout the collection). It charts a young woman’s journey through heartbreak, loss and love with an overarching theme of needing to take time for self-care. Some of the poems used images used hundreds of times by other people e.g.  something along the lines of a ‘blackberry bruise’ – but there were a dozen poems in the book that I have bookmarked and keep on going back to. These selected poems removed some kind of block in my mind and made me see things differently. It’s almost been like seeing through a window I hadn’t noticed before. The poems are compressed and every word is chosen to fit just right.

I don’t really have much else to say. Thank you once again for your support, it makes things so much easier to have love and understanding around.

I have been basking in the glory that is the summer holidays, it has been wonderful. It’s enough time off to find yourself again, write a few poems and relax. I haven’t been very well during this time, but mum and I have worked around it as we always do.

One of the highlights of my summer was attending part of the Poetry Carousel at Abbot Hall Hotel in Grange over sands. I had workshops from the wonderful Clare Shaw and William Letford. Clare’s workshop was themed on natural disasters. It was an extremely interesting way to write, applying disasters to everyday emotional and physical struggles. With Billy we talked about Journalling. I journal every day. It helps with my recall and tells me what I need to do that day because I keep lists. It was very interesting to hear other people’s opinions on journalling, as for me it is essential. Some people kept one on and off. I don’t think I’d be able to function without my journal!

I went down to Devon on holiday with my family. We visited the beautiful city of Exeter and did some shopping. In the Waterstones I picked up a copy of Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur. I had heard many good things about this collection – and I was not disappointed. It talks about the sexual abuse she suffered as a child, her sexual experiences in a relationship and her feelings after break up. She uses imagery that is so delicate and bold at the same time. One of my favourite, and perhaps not seen as hugely delicate, lines within the book was

“who tricked you

into believing

another person

was meant to complete you

when the most they do is complement”.

This has personally helped me a lot as I have recently broken up with my relatively short term boyfriend. It still hurt, maybe not as deeply as is if it had lasted longer, but that feeling was still there.

Anyway, back to Devon. My mum and I went on the train to Torquay. Trains and wheelchairs are a nightmare (even though we prebooked assistance that didn’t materialise!). Torquay itself was like being abroad. The promenade was absolutely stunning. It was above twenty eight degrees Celsius while we were there. At home it had been raining for three days straight. That night we got a phone call from our neighbour who was concerned about our lane flooding! Everything was fine though.

The last highlight of this holiday has been the Lakes Alive festival. I worked with the Poetry Takeaway (https://twitter.com/poetrytakeaway?ref_src=twsrc%5Egoogle%7Ctwcamp%5Eserp%7Ctwgr%5Eauthor ) during the day at Nobles Rest Park. It was one of the most amazing writing experiences I have ever had. I wrote twelve poems during my time there – in one afternoon! If anyone had said that was possible I would have laughed very hard in their face. I met such a huge variety of people and wrote a huge variety of poems. I wrote poems about Lego (requested twice in a row, oddly enough), friendships, holidays and running achievements – all made to order and within around twenty to thirty minutes. Working at the Poetry Takeaway really made me prioritise my time and editing – I usually spend endless hours on one poem. People were thrilled that you had written them a piece of poetry just for them – totally unique that no one else will ever get given.

In the evening I went and performed some poetry under the Moon, an art installation at the Poetry Festival by the artist Luke Jerram. It was an incredible experience. I read some moon related and some non moon related poetry. I couldn’t get over the detail of the moon installation. It was something I have never seen, and probably never will see again.

Thank you to Rob Fraser (www.somewhere-nowhere.com) for the photograph below.

I also got my AS results which I was very happy with 🙂

This book has revolutionised my thinking. Seriously. I was wandering through my life thinking that I haven’t really been a victim of sexism – and then I read this book and realised that things I thought had been ‘banter’; or I’d thought I’d been oversensitive about are pretty terrible.

I remember every PE lesson boys plucking my bra – once making it come undone, and my friend had to redo it for me in the middle of the hockey field.

I remember boys taking pictures of my legs on the bus and threatening to post them online. I did report this – thank goodness, but I’ve never thought of that incident in this light. Women are not sexual objects to be taken pictures of without permission. What gives someone that right?

I remember boys shouting that I had a ‘camel toe’ the first time I wore trousers to school.

I remember having to use urban dictionary for a friend whose boyfriend kept on calling her ‘frigid’. We were thirteen and didn’t have a clue.

I remember taking up jogging at the age of fourteen and giving up because the only route I could take was over a motorway bridge. I got honked at by so many lorry drivers.

I remember the relief I felt being offered to trail a kilt at school so that I didn’t have to wear a pencil skirt anymore.

There were other instances which I’m not going to mention. One in particular which was pretty awful.

I can’t believe I just assumed all of these instances to be ‘boys will be boys’, ‘banter’ or just a part of life.

I know my experiences are very minor. But look at the impact these things have had on my life. I hated PE. I was scared on the bus. I am self-conscious about what I wear.

These are just my experiences – and I bet every woman has a story like or worse than the experiences I have had. Why do we put up with this?

Equally, why should men have to put up with inequalities such as the presumption that they can’t care for children alone. Why are little children told to ‘man up’ and ‘stop acting like a girl’? Why are men facing discrimination when they become nurses or hairdressers?

I would firmly press a copy of this book into anyone’s hand. Everyone must read this book.

Barriers need to be broken. This needs to stop.

Before I start this post I would just like to say that I found Yeonmi to be such an inspirational person I decided to write a poem about her journey. It is, of course, dedicated to Yeonmi but also to the millions of people under the North Korean regime.

I first read Yeonmi’s book ‘In order to live’ after I noticed it creeping up the Amazon bestsellers with hundreds of amazing reviews. What instantly struck me about this book is that Yeonmi says in a sentence what some people would write a whole book about – that is how much she has been through.

Having read the book I found it so amazing to see such a huge Human Rights activist right in front of me. She highlighted that there are so many Human rights abuses in North Korea – from no free speech to no right of free movement. She did say that there are limited but very important things that people can do to help the situation if they feel they want to help:

1. Petition the Chinese government to accept North Korean refugees as Political Refugees
2. Petition the Chinese government to stop sending North Korean refugees back – to possible death or prison camps
3. Educate yourself. The everyday reality of life in North Korea is not hugely talked about.
4. Educate your friends. Discuss the issues and make others aware.
5. If you feel that you would like to, research organisations that are working to get information into North Korea. For example, Yeonmi talked about an organisation that throws pen drives filled with information over the Chinese border and into North Korea.

Yeonmi talked about her childhood – she spent a month aged eight without her mother or proper food during famine. Her desperation for a ‘bucket of bread’. Escaping over the border with her mother. Sexual abuse aged only thirteen. Having to hide in China. Making the trek through the Gobi desert to Mongolia. Learning South Korean culture. Her educational successes.

She was so lovely when I got the opportunity to speak with her after the event. All she wants is to see a free North Korea. She talked about the death threats that she receives over Twitter and YouTube from North Korea. When asked if this scared her she just replied “If I was in North Korea right now I would be dead, I just live every day the best I can”.

Yeonmi is now studying for a degree in Finance in America, and working as a Human Rights Activist. This woman is so incredibly strong, She has come from a background where she thought that the ‘birds and mice’ would hear her and report her. A background where she thought the ‘Dear Leader’ controlled the weather. Just look at her now!

In dedication to the millions still trapped in North Korea

A life outside

My brain exhales after

fifteen years holding

thoughts in.

It sinks into a sofa the

Kims don’t control –

southern leather holding

my skin.

Choices fizz against my

tongue like sherbet – too

overwhelmed by

14 different brands of rice.

I nurture the seeds of my

new mind.

I am a teacher

marking work. That was

wrong and

this is right.